Raising Kids To Be Secure
Raising kids to be secure is an important parenting goal.
A secure child feels safe enough in the world to enjoy life, and he has the emotional resiliance to handle life's difficulties.
A secure child believes in herself and in life enough to go for great goals, to reach for her higher potential, to form healthy relationships with others.
Raising kids to be secure demands that the parent demonstrate ADEQUATE RESONSIVENESS in the parent-child relationship.
To provide your child with this essential element for raising kids to be secure, begin working on understanding her language from the moment your child emerges from the womb.
Remember that even with adults, communication is 75% non-verbal.
We say far more with our tones, gestures, facial expressions and actions than we say with our words alone.
During pre-verbal infancy, communication is 100% non-verbal. What your child does and how your child sounds represents the child's vocabulary.
So during your parent-child interactions, observe your infant closely.
Notice his every physical movement, sound, facial expression and gesture.
With a patient, open mind and heart try to intuitively sense what he is expressing.
Does he want to shift his position? Does he want you to hold him? Does he want some space? Is he showing interest in a shiney object that he would like to touch?
Before placing your child in any one else's arms, be sure to read the physical way that your child either agrees or disagrees.
As you work on understanding your child, and work on cooperating with his expression of need and interest, the child relaxes and feels secure.
These early, pre-verbal experiences form the basis of trust in the parent-child relationship and serves as an ESSENTIAL foundation for raising a secure child.
This practice needs to go on throughout your child's life. Strive to understand and to cooperate with the needs and interests your child verbally and non-verbally expresses.
Done correctly, this does not mean that you over-indulge the child. But don't set unnecessary boundaries.
When we OVER-limit a child's freedom the child grows frustrated, anxious and insecure.
To behave well, a child needs to feel calm, content, and secure, particularly about the parent-child relationship.
The insecure child may develop a habit of throwing tantrums at the drop of a hat. He may develop rebellious habits of defying boundaries that really are necessary.
And the child learns to DIS-trust the person who routinely overlooks his signals and cues and establishes boundaries excessively or at the wrong time.
This distrust can develop into a deep seated distrust at deep levels of the child's personality development:
- Driving the child to demand to be too much in control now and later in life
- And making it more difficult for the child to accept anyone's control or directions.
The sooner you begin working on "reading" and responsibly cooperating with your child's expression of need and interest, the more deeply and accurately will you understand your child,.
This means that you will know how to relate with your child and how respond to her behavior in line with your parenting goals.
It also means thatyou begin repairing any previous damage produced in your parent-child relationship.
If a stern in-law or other person insists that you ignore what your infant is expressing to "show him who's boss right away", IT IS THAT ADULT THAT YOU OUGHT TO IGNORE.
To follow such misguiding advice - as well-meaning as it may be - would be to set into motion a pattern of conflict with your child.
This goes counter to raising kids to be secure as it instigates your child's insecure opposition or depressed resignation to having parents who just don't understand him.
Here is a two-step practice for raising kids to be secure, to apply during infancy. It is the practice of "Shining Your Love-Light":
1. Spend at least 15 minutes a day gazing directly upon your child's face as you express through your face your absolute adoration for him.
2. Imagine the love pouring from your face into his heart, nurturing his heart and helping him to feel secure, content and loving.
This practice helps you to develop the attunement to your child's heart that will enable you to relate with your child compassionately throughout his life.
By expressing your love to your infant in this FACIAL manner, you actually teach your child to express her love and to attune to your heart and to the heart of others.
Just because infants do not understand intellectually, their personality is molded by the personality influences surrounding them.
Every time that you respond consciously and sensitively to your child you help your child to feel secure.
You also teach your child, by your example, to be sensitive and responsive, not just in your parent-child relationship, but in all of his relationshipss
Many mistakenly presume that if the child is too young to conceptualize and remember an experience, no learning from the experience goes on; but nothing could be further from the truth.
In the first six ears of life the child's mind absorbs every influence of her surroundings and experiences at the deepest level, and those become embedded in the foundation of her developing personality.
Relate with your infant as your teacher. She is teaching you through her verbal and non-verbal cues who she is and what she needs to grow up into a happy, secure human being.
Follow your child's innocent wisdom by living with trust in life's inherent goodness.
Raising kids to be secure happens as you
honor the child's trusting heart.
Attend one of Bob Lancer's parenting seminars to learn all you need to know for raising kids to feel secure, behave well, and soar into healthy, happy life-success. Click here for current schedule.
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